The Conflict Resolution Script We Inherited
We have inherited a script passed quietly from generation to generation. It teaches that when someone behaves in a way we do not like, we are justified in being annoyed or angry with them. The assumption is simple. They should have known better, and we would have acted differently in their place. This belief is woven through films, soap operas and countless conversations about relationships. Most of us can recall moments that seemed to justify our resentment, sometimes for years.
The Modern Weight of Accountability
In self-help and spiritual settings, the word accountability often takes centre stage. And accountability matters. We are responsible for our actions. Yet even in these circles, where compassion is meant to guide us, there is often a quiet undercurrent of condemnation. When someone does not meet our standard of accountability, it becomes another strike against them. First, they behaved badly. Then, they failed to “do the work”. The judgment doubles.
A Flawed Cultural Script
This script rests on a flawed assumption. It suggests that people should always be doing better than they are. But having something to be accountable for does not mean a person is worthy of contempt. If we truly understood the forces shaping a person’s reactions, choices and behaviour, the illusion of moral superiority would dissolve. We would see that people act from long-standing patterns, inner wounds and conditioning that often lie beyond conscious awareness.
The Deeper Innocence
Ancient traditions speak of a fundamental innocence within every person. Teachings on forgiveness point to something much deeper than the familiar idea of “I will forgive you once I have calmed down, as long as you change”. That is conditional forgiveness. It mirrors conditional love, where affection is extended only when someone behaves as we want them to.
There is another form of forgiveness that does not depend on conditions. It recognises that even when someone’s actions cause us pain, something in us still remembers their innocence. On the level of the soul, nothing is damaged. Their worth remains whole. There is a quiet inner place where their heart is still visible, even when the outer situation feels turbulent or painful.
Condemnation Beneath the Surface
When we lose sight of this innocence, any call for accountability becomes tinged with condemnation. We may attempt to hide it, but the other person still feels it. It is heavy to receive, especially when we ourselves know the reasons behind our behaviour and the other person does not. Every one of us has felt the sting of being judged by someone who did not understand what we were carrying internally.
It brings to mind the old saying that you should never judge a person until you have walked several miles in their shoes.
The Cost of Condemnation
When we harbour condemnation, it often feels justified. It can seem like a rightful punishment for behaviour we find unacceptable. Yet in reality, holding condemnation creates tension and incoherence within our own being. It drains vitality and constricts the natural flow of life force through the body and mind. There is nothing to be gained from chronically holding this posture. Emotional reactions are useful in the moment because they act as moral and social signposts. They show us that something matters. But to cling to the emotional charge is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to fall ill. We harm ourselves long before the other ever feels our judgment.
A Softer Way of Seeing
When we remember each other’s innocence, something softens. Accountability becomes a movement towards understanding rather than punishment. Forgiveness becomes less about overlooking a wrong and more about perceiving the soul behind the behaviour. Conflict becomes a doorway to compassion instead of another chapter in the same inherited script.
Clear Boundaries, Honest Hurt
This does not mean we should never feel hurt or never speak up when someone behaves disrespectfully. We are human. We will feel wounded, disappointed or upset at times. Naming those feelings and expressing our boundaries is an essential part of growth. Honest communication is a form of care.
When Hurt Turns Into Prosecution
This perspective invites quiet awareness. It asks us to notice the moment when genuine hurt transforms into an inner prosecution. It asks us to recognise when we begin holding something against another person in a way that hardens the heart and casts them as an offender in our mind. When we see this, we can soften. We can release the incriminating energy, even while addressing the conflict with clarity.
Forgiveness and Healthy Distance
Forgiveness does not mean that we must invite people back into our lives who are disrespectful, narcissistic, abusive or dangerous. Sometimes it is necessary to protect ourselves with strong boundaries to prevent further harm. At other times we may choose to walk away simply because a relationship no longer feels aligned or supportive. We must do whatever is needed to safeguard our wellbeing. Yet all of this can be done without condemnation. We can create distance with clarity and self-respect, while still holding forgiveness in our heart.
A Different Kind of Strength
We do not need condemnation to navigate conflict in a healthy way. We can stand firmly for ourselves without losing sight of the innocence within the other. When we hold both truth and compassion together, the entire dynamic changes.